“Samuel… said, ‘…thou [Saul] shalt go down… to Gilgal; and… I will come down unto thee, to offer burnt offerings… seven days shalt thou tarry till I come to thee and shew thee what thou shalt do.’ …And he tarried seven days… as soon as he [Saul] had made an end of offering… behold, Samuel came; and Saul went out to meet him that he might salute him. And Samuel said, ‘What hast thou done?’ And Saul said, ‘Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed… I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering. Samuel said to Saul, ‘Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the Lord thy God… But now thy kingdom shall not continue… And Samuel arose, and gat him up from Gilgal unto Gibeah…’
1 Sam. 10:1, 8; 13:8, 10-15
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Order of Contents
Traits
Article 1
Book 1
Quote 1
Website 1
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Traits of Narcissists & Narcissistic Groups & Churches
Kristen Hamling, PhD
1. Considers themself intelligent, confident and self-assured
2. Believes they are unique and special
3. Is unable to empathize
4. Has a grandiose sense of self
5. Always thinks they’re right
6. Manipulates, blames and gaslights
7. Has an excessive need for praise and admiration
8. Displays a sense of entitlement
9. Uses criticism and bullying to acheive their goals
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Article
2000’s
Gembola, Michael – ‘Three Recent Books on Narcissism & Spiritual Abuse in Church Leadership’ in Journal of Biblical Counseling, 35:3 (2021), pp. 61-92
Gembola is an adjunct professor at Westminster Theological Seminary in counseling. This article is “A review and comparison of Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer’s A Church Called Tov, Chuck DeGroat’s When Narcissism Comes to Church, and Diane Langberg’s Redeeming Power.”
“But if one minister or counselor tramples on the trust given by believers under their care, it causes such immense damage that those affected may not trust Christian helpers ever again.” – p. 62
“Darby Strickland defines spiritual abuse this way:
Abuse that occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination by using Scripture, doctrine, or their ‘leadership role’ as weapons. Spiritual abuse may mask itself as religious practice, or be used to shame or punish.
Strickland provides examples such as:
• using Bible verses to shame or control people,
• demanding unconditional obedience from them, or
• using biblical texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive
behaviors.” – p. 66
“He [Ravi Zacharias] allegedly threatened that if the victims exposed him, they would be guilty of preventing many from hearing the gospel through his ministry.” – p. 67
“…a pastor nonetheless abuses the role of shepherd when, for example, he responds to congregants who raise concerns by shifting the conversation in such a way that the congregants leave thinking they are the problem, not him. He does this by expressing spiritual concern for them, thereby shifting the blame away from himself and toward them. Since he is masterful in encouraging feelings of guilt in others, he never has to apologize. Among the other leaders in the church, his preferences always win out. He gets ahead of the story when critics leave the church, insinuating all kinds of evil things about them without outright accusation. When done pervasively over years, it is confusing, maddening, and disillusioning to all those in the per- son’s orbit…
This is a kind of pervasive pride that is very hard to nail down. This kind of pastor is often quite talented. He may also have plausible deniability for every allegation, and be able to traffic well in the language of how hard it is to be a pastor and how some congregants are so critical of their pastors. The perspective of sympathetic colleagues is important to understand…. For example, domineering people themselves often play the victim and accuse others of abuse.” – pp. 67-68
“Grace never whitewashes abuse. Grace exposes the abuser, not to shame him but for the sake of truth and healing for all” – p. 73
“McKnight and Barringer argue that a culture that pursues the good… that God has built into creation is the best antidote to a culture of abuse.” – pp. 73-74
“When a pastor creates a culture of fear, it’s important to recognize that this pastor is not simply one bad apple. The rot spreads. A culture forms around the leader, protects him, and helps him toward his goals more efficiently.” – p. 75
“When you read the Gospels, do you identify with the one teaching (Jesus) or the ones being taught (the crowd, disciples, etc.)? ‘When pastors read the same stories, they identify with Jesus’… the allure of glory and importance is not far behind.” – p. 75
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Book
2000’s
DeGroat, Chuck – When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional & Spiritual Abuse Pre (IVP, 2020) 190 pp. ToC
See the article above for a review.
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Quote
Kristen Hamling, PhD
“Know a Narcissist? Learning how to self-advocate and set boundaries is critical for your well-being.
I’ve been a psychologist for over 20 years, and I have a Ph.D. in the field of psychology, and yet it took me two years of therapy to understand that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Constantly trying to rescue a relationship by apologizing and surrendering your needs to take care of the other person can leave you exhausted—especially if the person has a complex personality such as narcissim. The trauma bond, or the narcissistic abuse cycle that accompanies narcissism, often results in post-traumatic stress symptoms, anxiety, and depression.
Sometimes you will have to walk away from the narcissistic relationship because the short-term pain of ending the relationship will result in long-term gain for your health and well-being.
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What Is Narcissism?
When someone displays extreme narcissistic characteristics, such as the case with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then problems can start to arise. People diagnosed with NPD consider themselves as self-assured, intelligent, confident individuals, with a strong sense of right and wrong. However, in reality, someone living with NPD is often a deeply insecure person who has a profound lack of confidence and self-esteem. This is often a result of childhood trauma, genetics, and an insecure attachment style.
For example, someone born with an anxious temperament who has self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable parents grows up fiercely independent, believing that they have to take care of themselves and prove to the world that they are worthwhile and special.
NPD is a serious mental health condition with complex symptoms such as an inability to empathize, diminished self-reflection and insight, and an excessive need for praise and admiration. Although there are different types of narcissism (e.g., covert/vulnerable or grandiose) the root cause of the problem is often the same.
Narcissism does not allow people to fully understand or regulate their emotions. You might know some people who must control their environment or avoid feelings such as shame or rejection.
Narcissists are less interested in team harmony and success, and more interested in using others to pursue their own agenda.
Many narcissists will take responsibility for others’ accomplishments. They set perfectionistic standards and are often workaholics. They may even use bullying tactics to achieve their goals. For example, withholding information to sabotage coworkers’ performance, persistently criticizing, and spreading gossip. The covert and vulnerable narcissist is more likely to act vindictively—make sure you keep records of conversations and limit information provided to them.
Narcissism can lead to serious mental health issues such as burnout, compassion fatigue, depression, and anxiety. A narcissistic boss can erode your self-esteem, make you feel incompetent, and cause you to lose trust in yourself and others. If you are not careful, narcissism can also damage your career.
Narcissists aren’t just confined to the workplace—often, the people we love the most display tendencies…
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There Is Nothing Wrong With You
Truthfully, having a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel like there is something seriously wrong with you. But you’re not the monster they make you out to be. Elinor Greenberg, therapist and author of the book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety, explains that when narcissists feel good about you (or more accurately that you are making them feel good about themselves), they see you as special. Then you do something “wrong” (e.g., say “no” to one of their requests), and suddenly you’re bad and worthless.
Therefore, people with NPD only see people (including themselves) in one of two ways: Either they are special, unique, perfect, and entitled (High Status); or they are defective, worthless, garbage (Low Status). Boundaries are your best friend if you want to stay connected to your truth when in a relationship with a narcissist.
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Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Maintaining boundaries can be particularly challenging when communicating with a narcissist. Narcissists are masterful at blurring boundaries. Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, authors of the top-selling book Stop Walking on Eggshells, developed what they call the broken record technique to help people maintain boundaries when communicating with difficult personalities.
The broken record technique helps you avoid the white noise (gaslighting) produced by the narcissist by staying focused on the issue at hand. Going back to Barry and Fiona, you can see how Barry could have used the broken record technique to enforce his boundaries.
Fiona: “You always do this; you never make me a priority in your life. You’re so selfish. You knew I’ve been looking forward to tonight. Why are you choosing to go out with another woman on our date night?”
Barry: “I know you’re disappointed and I’m hearing that you want to spend time together. We will have our date night tomorrow night, but right now it’s important to me that I see my friend.”
Fiona: “But you’re choosing to go out with another woman on our date night. Are you having an affair with her?”
Barry: “It’s concerning that you think that, and we can absolutely discuss these issues later if you want. But as I said, right now it’s important that I see my friend.”
Fiona: “You’re not listening, I don’t want you to go out with her.”
Barry: “I know you’re disappointed, but as I said, it’s really important to me that I see my friend and we’ll have our date night tomorrow night.”
No matter what Fiona throws at Barry, he’s going to repeat the same thing, just like a broken record. Barry doesn’t get caught up in the white noise and he remembers “just because they say it doesn’t mean it’s true.” Fiona is triggered and stressed, and she is struggling to manage her own emotions. By staying calm, respectful, and assertive, Barry has a greater chance of getting his needs met.
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Safety & Self-Care
When your boundaries stop the narcissist from getting their needs met, it can result in a high level of stress and hurt for them. Self-care is critical when dealing with the narcissist because as the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. If the narcissist is someone in your family or close circle, be sure to spend time with other people, go to yoga, go to therapy, eat well, and remember, you are not responsible for their emotions. Sometimes you will have to walk away from the narcissistic relationship because the short-term pain of ending the relationship will result in long-term gain for your health and well-being.
Julie Hall, author of The Narcissist in Your Life, argues that the narcissistic mentality of superiority and entitlement results in scapegoating people who are different. Scapegoating increases conflict and tribal thinking and reduces diversity, collaboration, and cooperation…
Remain objective, don’t approach the narcissist with high emotions, and choose your battles. For example, know when to play the game and know when to stand up to the narcissist. You may benefit from aligning yourself with people you trust and who will support you if the narcissist tries to undermine you or steal your ideas.
Recognizing narcissism will not only protect your mental health, but it can help to protect your career as well.
No matter how much hurt we cause each other, we should default back to compassion, but with boundaries. Narcissism is actually a front for deeply vulnerable and insecure people. Boundaries and self-care are paramount when dealing with narcissism, but anger and retaliatory behaviors serve no one well in the long run. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with people who have complex personalities and maintain compassion for their pain, but awareness and boundaries are advised.
Get away if you can, NOTHING will ever be enough for them and everyone around them is seen as existing just to meet their needs and extravagant demands. They are the center of a web in which anyone close gets sucked in to cater to them. Woe to everyone around them if they aren’t the CENTER of attention.
It will drain you till there is nothing left and you often loose everything else in your life, even your own self.”
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Website
This is a non-Christian website with many helpful resources in dealing with and recovering from narcissists.
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“Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep… And Saul smote the Amalekites… But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen…
And Samuel came to Saul: and Saul said… ‘Blessed be thou of the Lord: I have performed the commandment of the Lord.’ And Samuel said, ‘What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?’ And Saul said, ‘They have brought them from the Amalekites: for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the Lord thy God; and the rest we have utterly destroyed.’
…And Samuel said, ‘…Wherefore then didst thou not obey the voice of the Lord, but didst fly upon the spoil, and didst evil in the sight of the Lord?’ And Saul… ‘Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the Lord… But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen…’ And Samuel said, ‘…rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, He hath also rejected thee from being king.’ And Saul said unto Samuel, ‘I have sinned… because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice. Now therefore, I pray thee, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the Lord.’
And Samuel said… ‘I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.’ And as Samuel turned about to go away, he laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. And Samuel said unto him, ‘The Lord hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou…’
Then he said, ‘I have sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the Lord thy God.’ So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul worshipped the Lord. And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the Lord repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.”
1 Sam. 15:3, 7, 9, 12-35
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